Heroin Jokes

The following is a compendium of 18 very funny heroin jokes. The insightful comedians who wrote the jokes artfully reveal the absurdity and futility of heroin use. We recommend that you take your time and read each one. This way you may laugh – instead of cry.

Who Invented Heroin


  1. I am not addicted to heroin. I am addicted to falling asleep illegally.


  1. If it weren’t for heroin I would be addicted to Facebook.


  1. Q: Why is a heroin addict’s sex life like a rocket ship?

A: Because heroin addicts don’t have rocket ships.


  1. Q: What does a heroin addict have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?

A: They both scratch their nose.


  1. Q: A heroin addict, a crack head and a drug dealer are all sitting in a car.  Who’s driving?

A:  The police


  1. Q: A heroin addict in a three piece suit is sitting in a room. What is the first thing he hears?

A: Will the defendant please rise.


  1. You know there is problem when you have to take a painkiller to make love.


  1. Q: What do you call a heroin addict without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless


  1. A heroin addict is just like a doctor – but without the great job, plenty of money, shiny car and beautiful wife.


  1. A famous brain surgeon opened a used brain store in New York City to sell used brains for transplant. On display were several brains. One of the more expensive brains was David Bowie’s brain, which was on sale for $500,000, and next to the rock star’s brain was Robin William’s brain, the famous actor/comedian. His brain was on sale for $750,000. But behind the counter and protected behind bulletproof glass and a high tech alarm system was kept Timothy Finckle’s brain, a hope-to-die heroin addict who froze to death on a cold winter’s night in Denver. His brain was on sale for a staggering $10,000,000. A customer inquisitively asked the neurosurgeon: “Why are you asking so much money for a heroin addict’s brain?” The brain surgeon quickly replied, “Because dear sir, this brain is a very rare brain, it’s – NEVER been used.”


  1. You cannot have your heroin and shoot it too.


  1. I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too.   (Comedian – Mitch Hedberg)


  1. I always found that heroin addicts’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have heroin.


  1. A priest, a rabbi and a heroin addict walk into a bar. The priest orders a pitcher of Guinness stout, the rabbi orders a glass of Manischewitz wine, and the heroin addict orders a shot of distilled water.


  1. A man dies and finds himself in hell. He is wallowing in despair when the devil approaches and says, “Cheer up buddy. It’s not that bad down here. We have a lot of fun in hell. Say, are you a drinking man?” “Sure,” replies the man. “I love to drink.” “Well, you’re going to love Mondays,” says the devil. “On Mondays all we do is drink. Beer, whisky, wine, as much as you want. Say, are you a smoker?” asks the devil. “You better believe it!” replies the man. “Then you’re going to love Tuesdays,” replies the devil. “We get the finest cigars from Cuba and we smoke our lungs out. I bet you like to gamble too, don’t you?” asks the devil. “Why, yes,” replies the man. “On Wednesdays you can gamble all you want, craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever you like. Hey, have you ever done heroin?” asks the devil. “I did it once in college but I never did it again.” replies the man. “Well, Thursdays is heroin day, and you can do all the heroin you want and there is no risk of overdosing because you cannot die in hell.” replies the devil. “Wow,” says the man. “I never knew hell could be this much fun.” The devil quips sarcastically, “It’s fantastic down here isn’t it? Hey, have you ever had sex with a man?” “No way, never!” replies the man. “The devil giggles and says, “Well, friend – Fridays are going suck.”


  1. Did you hear about the burglar who broke into a heroin addict’s house looking for money? The heroin addict got up and started looking with him.


  1. Q: Did you hear about the heroin addict who was addicted to clocks?

A: He thought he could “STOP” at any time.


  1. I don’t do heroin because I take ADD medication.
    I got Attention Deficit Disorder.
    And the last thing I want to do is get addicted to paying attention.
    I got a wife and kids.


Famous People Who Overdosed On Heroin


Junkie Jokes

Feel free to send us your funny heroin joke. We’re glad to have your input. As a matter of fact, if it is funny we are proud to post your joke right here on this webpage.


how heroin works